Letter to a New Lover

Dearest M. A.,

Strange things happen at the start of sexual relationships. There’s uncertainty that contrasts heavily against the backdrop of blinding lust which often overcomes even the most complex and sturdy sense of morality or self-preservation. There’s embarrassment that tempers as well as spices up the need to please, and an urge to reveal every perversed secret in an attempt to heighten the pleasure, to personalize it, tailor it to one’s needs.

This is not something I like to do. For one, as you already know, I have raging trust issues. Secondly, it is not in my nature to give someone information on how I want to be handled. Call it an innate, animalistic tendency that got past the filter of modern feminism: I expect my mate to know how to subdue me.

It’s an irrational probability, of course. I realize this. And, given your newly-discovered interest in what I accidentally revealed to you, I decided it would only be fair to give you an idea of how things work in my secret world. Given, it is not only to appease logic that I am writing these down. This document, for lack of a better description, is an account of a few trinkets of truth behind my impeccable façade of inner strength and invulnerability. This is me under the pride and the business clothes.

1. ‘No’ does not signify defiance or disinterest. It is an expression of the former, but only a token form of resistance. This is the first lesson. No means, ‘I really shouldn’t.’ It also often means, ‘God, I really, really want to. Keep going.’ Stop means ‘Make me need you so badly that I’d do anything for it.’
2. I will, more than likely, fight you for control. Don’t let it dissuade you from taking what is, without question, yours for the duration of our time together. Wrestling for the power to manipulate the experience, and your lust, only makes my inevitable submission so much sweeter. Call it elaborate foreplay.
3. When I push you away, hold me down firmly and captivate me with your words and your hands if you have full use of them. Show me exactly why you don’t believe I don’t want you. Touch me, tease me, make me admit precisely how much I need you with me, within me, all over me.
4. Pleasure, not pain. This is the weapon with which my misgivings and hesitations could be vanquished. I am not a masochist.

Five simple facts, revelations of those things I hide from society’s judging eyes. I give you my trust, M. Be careful not to abuse it.